Fathers' Day

Hey Mithi,

I call you "Gugush Pupush" these days ... doesn't mean anything ... or maybe it does ... I think it just expresses the feeling I get when I hug you and you stroke your nose and forehead on my shoulder or chest ... whatever it is ... its lovely to call you that ... and when you acknowledge it with a smile, it just becomes priceless.

I am enjoying every bit of being your father and secretly love the fact that the first syllables you have started blabbering are "Ba ba ba ba ...". However stupid it is, something wants me to believe that these are not meaningless random sounds that you find interesting to repeat throughout the day with a lot of zeal ... but that's you calling me "Baba". Now being the reason-based thinker I am (or claim to be), this shall remain in my closet till you or your mom reads this :-)

But this Fathers' Day, I wanted to share with you some of my memories of my father ... the man I called "Baba".

I selected this photo as this is the playful way he would have looked at you.

I don't know if I can ever convey to you how much he would have loved you and how much he was capable of loving, no words would really be able to explain his heart and his deep love for people he cared about. There is an expression in English "Loving someone to a fault" ... that was the only way he knew to love. The problem was ... he knew that and hence to prevent himself from committing that "fault" he would be extra harsh to the people he loved ... mostly to your Tham and me.

You can ask your Titlididi how and what she remembers of him ... as she is the one grand-daughter he could meet and play with before he missed you by less than a year. She used to call him Dolphin Dadu as he told her stories about the freshwater Dolphins that swim about and sometimes jump out of the water in the Ganga. The stories fascinated her so much that she started calling him Dolphin Dadu. She would be a teacher and he would be her student and would act stupid and slow and she would laugh at him and scold him for not understanding ... but he could spend hours with her and keep making her feel like the teacher she wanted to be without a single moment's miss.

Anyways it's Fathers' Day and I really wanted to write about him, but didn't want to post it anywhere, because if people read, they would probably praise me ... and I don't want that ... I just want to write about him because I miss him, especially because I cannot share my fatherhood with the man that taught me what a father should be like. Then I realized, I could write to you ... this can be our little secret.

You know I pride myself with my ability to observe and my thirst for knowledge ... and if I really look back, this whole concept of observation came from Baba.

He would show me the onset of winter by waking me up in the morning to see the fog outside.
He would make me watch movies and through the movie he would tell me what wowed him about a particular scene, and why. He would explain to me how the scene could have been made ... and I would be wowed too.
When I started learning music, I wasn't good with rhythm, and he made me do the beats alongside a Sarod recital by Ustaad Amjad Ali Khan for a full 90 minutes. That one day made me get Rhythm in my reflexes and I never got it wrong, as he promised. That's why I cherish the black blood clot on my thigh, and didnt have regrets.
He taught me swimming at the age of 2 and a half, in the Ganga without tubes and stuff ... and that's one thing I still do better than most although I was never athletic.
He showed me how to read a book and make excerpts and notes that made me learn and remember stuff, that made a wonderful ready-reckoner just before exams.
He would get us cousins together and when we asked him to tell stories, he would ask us to think of stories ... he would say here's what I am starting with. Now what do you think happened after this? And we would imagine the next bit of the story and we would create a story together and not even know.
I liked detective stories and didn't much care for the fairy tales ... and he had one ready whenever I asked for one. And he didn't lie to me when I asked - did you read this? He would always say - no I just made it up :-) And trust me no two stories would be similar.
He would always pose questions like "Where did we really come from?" "Is there a God?" etc and I would wonder and then read up and try to make up my opinion. He always had his opinion and didn't refrain from letting me know what it was ... but always allowed me to debate, and mostly argue with him. That made me research more.


I could go on for another 33 years (time that I had him for), but I would draw the line here. Through you I wish to tell him - "Baba, I love you ... I wish I told you this in words while you were alive ... I know you knew this and my biggest treasure would be that in your last conscious day you said "Shubho aamake shob theke beshi bhalobashe" ... I really did Baba ... Just never said that to you in person. I am sorry for that. I know it was hard for you to be the father you were, I know you made many sacrifices just for me, I know you worried about me ... a lot, I know you wanted me to be the best and have the best. I also know that I had the most wonderful father in the world, the father that I would like to be someday. I promise you I will try my best. Happy Fathers' Day  Baba! Miss you."

And Mamma to you I promise I would be that father you need, I wont be your ATM or your unconditional support (especially when you are wrong), but I will be there for you whenever you need me. I would have unconditional love for you ... always. I would worry about you, but I wont tie you down, if its something constructive you plan to pursue. I would be your encouragement, and your strength and hopefully your hero ... At least I will try my best.

I love you...

Baba

I wish to take you here ...

Hello Darling,

I know I have a huge backlog to clear in terms of telling you stuff ... the thing is from the time I got you to Bangalore, I was so engrossed in spending time with you that I just couldn't manage enough time to sit and type ... you are just that wonderful to be with ... and you dont even talk yet ... for the last couple of weeks you have started blabbering ... 2-syllable sounds ... and just that is so amazing, I can hear it all day ...

Anyways ... Here's something I wanted to share with you ...

This is a video of Iceland ... this is so beautiful that I thought whenever you grow up you should see this ... I would like to take you and your mom and my mom there ... but you know how life plays out at times ... so while I would try my best to be with you when you are there ... if by any chance this doesn't happen, you will get to this place and just enjoy the sheer beauty of nature ... of course if you like this video as much as I do :)

So here is the link:

Midnight Sun

Love
Baba

While you were away

Mithi Mamma,

The time I spent at home without you girls was very difficult for me ... I had just got you and was not able to hold you and kiss you and play with you  ... not to mention the fact that your Maa and I havent been apart for this long since we met ... Ya ya we are a mushy couple and I hope you grow up to be a reasonably good hopeless romantic... I think that's the best :)

Anyways back to when you were away ... so your Maa, being the sweetheart she always is, made the beginnings of some of those days special by sending me a little snap of you ... so here is a quick run down the memory lane of those days.

Ei je tor ghumonto smily mamma

Ei je tor Mithi mamma ghumocche

Tumar wrapped mamma

Finally sleeping with her hands down ;-)

Tor mamma-r eita ki posture janina

Traffic police

Yay! Papa is coming

Papa I am one month old

For a change

Good night papa

Papa tumar chanar tupi choto hoye gecche

Tupi fit hoye gecche

Tor eskimo mamma

Tor bunny mamma

Mithi wrap ;-)

Happy?

Yay!!!

Ei je tomar shabji mamma

Amader potla ta

Dekho tumar mamma

Merry christmas

Pillow sharing

Eita diye chalao for now

Tumar intellectu​al mamma

Papa tada tadi chole esho

So here we are ... you are home now ... I get to see you, hold you, kiss you and play with you everyday ... You know you caught my year today and Maa clicked a pic on her phone (just like these ones) and posted it on Facebook (not sure if its still around when you are reading this). And I loved it so much that I shared it on my profile too as a self goal so that my friends could make fun of me :) I am so loving it ...

Here is the pic:

This is just the beginning baby ... the fun for life is just warming up :) Just dont pin all your fun in pulling my ear ... okay sweetheart?!

Love you

Just to meet you for a couple of days ...

Hello Mithi Mamma,

I am just back from Kolkata after meeting with you after what felt like an eternity ... in reality I had been away from you for just a fortnight. But anyways the long and short of it is ... I managed to plan a very unwise and long travel plan to get to you last weekend ... I could have done better and spent more time with you ... but this was one of those times when I couldn't think straight and prioritize well.

Not sure if you realized that I was there, but I realized that I could have been there for few more hours each way ... and I am sorry I missed more time with you.

But the fact is I could be there to celebrate your 1 month birthday (a couple of days later though) ... we cut a cake for you ... and had it ourselves, because lets face it ... all you can have now is your Maa's milk :)

Everyone was saying how time flies... and it is so true ... when we got you home, you could fit from head to toe between my palm and the inside of my elbow and now your feet reached my chest and could push hard. You're growing up. A realization that would startling me from time to time as you and I share our lives together.

I got some nice pics of you too ... and the dream photo I always wanted. The one where your feet are inside your Maa's hands which are held in the shape of a heart. I call it "Step into my heart" ... Hope you like it too :)

This little visit was grossly deprived of sleep though. You usually wake up around 3-4 times in the night as that's how often you get hungry. So ideally the plan is to sleep during the intervals. But I don't know why I could sleep all 3 nights after I woke up with you the first time. I stayed up all night just looking at you sleep, and sometimes make all kinds of sounds, expressions, lift up your leg, throw your arms up, maybe smile a little .... it was just amazing ... my heavy eyes told me I should sleep, but I just couldn't as I didn't want to miss out on the little time I had with you. You are so amazing ... when you sleep, and more so when you are awake and look around trying to make sense of the world around you.

I didn't think that you recognized me much yet, and was feeling a little low about that ... I guess I was a little jealous of your Maa as you know her so well ... her voice, her touch and of course her smell. Although I do manage to stop you from crying every time, you didn't seem to recognize me and scientifically I shouldn't expect it too ... but love isn't always rational. But then something amazing happened .. Sunday morning just before your bath time, you were on the bed and I was talking to you as usual ... then I just got up and went to the window to adjust the curtains ... and your gaze followed me to the window and back ... that was the moment I realized that you do recognize me ... I was on top of the world!!!!!!!! You made the completely convoluted trip through Delhi and the complete sleep deprivation all worth it. Thank you Mamma ...

Love you

Baba

P.S. Some more pictures from this trip in a collage ...

You're a about month old

My Dearest MithiMamma,

Well ... that's what I call you now ... and I am sure we will go through a series of unexplained and slightly "cuckoo" name callings to each-other in the life that we share ... which started just about a month before today.

Seems like yesterday when I was standing outside the operation theatre since 8:00 in the morning with your Ripi (Ria Pishi) while your grand parents waited in our room no 827 on the 8th floor of AMRI hospital in Salt Lake ... you will know this place as this is where we would go sometimes to visit Phoolpishi (she was the one who took you our of your Maa and showed you the light of the world ... but you would already know this when you read this) and Ranjan pishomoshai (I am guessing you'd figure out a shorter name for him ... lets face it Ranjan Pishomoshai is REALLY LOOOONG). Anyways I am digressing ... lets get back to outside the OT. As your Maa was taken in, she was slightly scared for some reasons, one of which was the fact that she wouldn't be under general anesthesia she would be awake while they cut her open to bring you out. I shouldn't be commenting on this as I went through none of it ... but I was told she won't feel a thing and they'd have a sheet in front of her so that she doesn't see what's going on. The only reassurance we all had is that my Phooldi, your Phoolpishi, would be there and she wouldn't let anything happen to your Maa. The other reason she was scared, was what happened a year ago ... we lost your brother "Ahaan", while he was still inside your Maa. We were so close to seeing him, holding him and welcoming him just as we welcomed you. But just at the last moment, he was gone ... he didn't see this world, didn't see your Maa or me ... but spent some time inside your Maa ... a full 37 weeks and then was gone. Someday I will tell you about him ... but not today at least I wont get into details. A month and a half from then we lost your Dadu, my Baba ... who was so looking forward to seeing his grandchild and came so close to seeing one ... but missed.

I should tell you, I had a wonderful and loving father ... I really wanted you to meet him ... you'd have liked him a lot. He knew so many stories, he could make stories on the fly and would keep me mesmerized through my childhood. You can ask your Titlididi about her Dolphin Dadu (as she called him) ... she did spend sometime with him and from what I saw, she really liked him. He had a heart of gold ... he was a man of various tastes and skills. He was an amazing sportsman in his childhood, he was a wonderful musician in his youth, he never studied much, but when he chose to do so he completed his PhD and was a wonderful scientist ... just being from a poor family stalled his career midway ... but he didn't get bogged down ... he became a teacher and a very passionate one at that. After his retirement he started writing poetry and wrote his last from the hospital bed that he didn't come back from. In short, just being around him I learnt so much ... did I mention I learnt photography, swimming, and even maintaining rhythm from him? I hope I can be half as good a father to you. I promise I will try my best to live up to the standards that my father set for me and that is because I had the best father and you deserve the same if not better. So this is my first promise to you ... I will be a father to you that you'd be proud of when you grow up. We might have our differences, but I promise you that I will give it my best so that when you describe your father to your children you'd have good things to say :-)

Now my princess, I would digress to another bit before I get to the Operation theatre once again. Here I have to tell you about my Maa, your Thamma ...  the bravest woman I know. She has all through held on to the reigns of the family, managing everything well with the right mix of flamboyance and frugality ... she has always been thoughtful about how she brought me up and how she took care of your Dadu and the extended family. She made sacrifices and was prudent enough to make sure that the family remained together despite the hardships and sometimes misbehaviours she fad to face ... and all these with a blood clot in her head that she has had for 34 years now. Most people with her condition would be bed-ridden, but not her. She has completed a successful education ending in a PhD and then a successful career as a scientist and then a teacher (just like your Dadu and her childhood love - My Baba) retiring a couple of years ago. BTW she has her birthday in the same month as yours ... you both might just be a lot alike. She was missing her life partner, just like I was missing my Baba as your entry to the world was something he was really looking forward to and we were the two people who knew how much so.

Anyways I didn't mean to start my first communication to you on such a grim note, but that is what we all were feeling at the time. While we were absolutely thrilled with the anticipation of you coming ... we were missing dear ones and couldn't keep the recent bad times out of our minds completely. But there we were, holding on to a little shimmer of hope ... a child growing inside your mother ... as the first hope of a turn around in what has been a really tough time for all of us.

While all these thoughts were zipping through my mind, standing outside the Operation theatre ... I heard a distant but compellingly clear cry of a little baby ... I looked at Ria, and then the security guard who was standing near us ... and neither of them seemed to have heard it. But I was sure I did ... my heart skipped a beat ... just like when I knew I loved your mother and wanted to share my life with her ... it was like falling in love again ... I told myself ... "My daughter is here". We are not allowed to know if the baby is a boy or a girl till the baby is born and so we didn't know for sure, and you were still inside the OT, but I knew, I had you ... My Daughter.

We waited a little while more and Ranjanda came out and said ... "Eshe gechhe" ... and some more moments later ... as my heart pounded loudly in anticipation ... the pediatrician Dr. Dutta came and said "Gurguri ke ke dekhbe?" I didn't speak, Ranjanda said ... her father is here ... and then they brought you out on what looked  like the OT equivalent of a crib. There you were wide awake, and visibly a little disturbed from being out from inside your mother, your home for the last 36 weeks and a couple of days. You didn't look directly at me or anyone there ... no dramatic union story there ... but you were not scared, like I had imagined you'd be at seeing the bright light of the world. You were quiet ... wide eyed and with unclasped hands ... very unusual for a new born. I saw you ... so tiny, so red and ready for the world. My daughter ... a new person ... built from scratch from me and your Maa. It was amazing ... it was the best day of my life.

I ran up to the 8th floor ... your Grandparents were waiting ... I broke the news ... they were doubly happy to have a granddaughter. Everyone had a twinkle in their eyes ... everyone heaved a sigh of relief. No one said it out loud, but I could read in each one's expression ... a confidence in the ray of hope ... "Now everything will be fine". She is here ... the princess of the family. Everyone came down to see you in the nursery and I was pulled off to fill some forms ... hated the idea of forms at the time as all I wanted was to run to see you again. But on the form there were places where I had to write "Father of the baby" ... Loved it. I was a father and that too of a beautiful daughter.

Finished the forms, sent messages to everyone who I knew ... wanted to shout from the roof-tops ... "I am a father now and I have the most wonderful daughter in the world!!"

I ran up to the fourth floor ... this day I was so excited, I didn't take the lift at all (even to the 8th floor), waiting for the lift seemed like such a waste of time. Everyone was busy admiring you and you looked at everyone and your hands were still unclasped ... you seemed ready to take on anything. Just then they rolled out your Maa to the post-operative care room ... as she was being shifted to the hospital bed, she looked at me, tired and sleepy from the anesthesia, and said - "Dekhle?" ... I said "Dekhlam ... she is beautiful ... amader meye re!" ... As I bent down and kissed her forehead, she said to me - "I kissed her" ... I was happy and admittedly a bit jealous that she got to kiss you first. But then again, as she is the one who carried you for the last 9 months, she kind of has the right to be first :-)

You will find out as you grow up ... you have a wonderful mother.











Welcome to our world princess ... Love you.

Baba